The humor in this document will likely only be readily apparent to those who work in information technology or information security. Those of you who don’t are free to skip on to the next post. Continue reading →

Every now and then, some idiot types my email address in as their own. This has happened to people applying for jobs, ordering stuff, telephone service, and, most recently, when an idiot signed up for some gaming service using my Gmail address. Our two email addresses are nothing alike. Our names are similar, but not that similar. There’s no reason for this mishap, other than stupidity.

So today, I got a chat request from this idiot, which, since I don’t know him, I simply ignored. Shortly after, I received this email:

Subject: hello man plsss i need ur help pls just say me that ur reading my mails and ill write all that u need to know that im not  scamer or some idiot…i just need help from u coz i have register my game account on ur mail adress by mistake :S and sry bout that ….pls replay me anything

Uhm… yeah… you are some idiot.

Realtor: There is a problem with the sprinkler system. We need to have someone investigate. Do you know anything about this?

Me: I did receive an email from the trustee, mentioning maintenance on the sprinkler system, but she did not mention your message, so I do not know if this is related or purely coincidental.

Realtor: It is.

Me: It is related or coincidental. Got it. I like your logic.

Meetup organizer: “… because we know it’s important to some members to make pals in their age range, but we do not limit by age and welcome all above 21.”

“Above 21″ is what we commonly refer to as a lower limit.

Client: New laptop – Needs the Product Key to activate Microsoft Office.

Tech: When you are prompted to activate MS Outlook, please use this product key and let us know if it doesn’t work.

XXXXX-XXXXX-XXXXX-XXXXX-XXXXX

Client: I’ve never been asked for a product key. It’s actually asking to “change the product key.”

Tech: That’s the computer asking you for the product key…

Payroll processor: We cannot accept your direct deposit information in an email for compliance reasons.

Me: So what do we need?

Payroll processor: You need to send us a report from your accounting program that includes the info.

Me: There is no such report. Can I send you a screenshot of the information?

Payroll processor: If the employees’ names are on the screenshot, that might work.

Me: <Thinks about a) how easy it is to generate a screenshot and b) what stupid regulation we could possibly be complying with by sending payroll info “in a screenshot” but “not in an email.”>

Client: I need administrative rights to install software.

Operator: A tech is not presently available, but I will have them call you back.

<Time passes…>

Client: You can install the software today at noon.

Tech: I will remotely connect to the system at that time. Thanks!

<Client takes installation disc out of computer and puts it on the shelf to keep it safe. Disc drive is used for nothing besides installing this stupid software.>

Tech: So… where’s this disc I’m supposed to install the program from?

A user received an email, allegedly from the Federal Treasury. Despite attending security awareness training, whereby she was instructed to never open attachments that were not expected, the user

• found the email in her Junk E-Mail folder,
• moved it to her inbox,
• saved the attached ZIP file,
• extracted its EXE(cutable) contents, and
• ran it…

infecting her PC with the Phoenix Exploit Kit.

The user works at a bank where she’s in charge of things like ACH transfers. Stupid.

>>> Subject: VIPRE quote (from AVG)
>>>
>>>Hi Sales Guy,
>>>
>>>One of my customers is interested in moving away from AVG. They have somewhere
>>>between 30-40 workstations and servers (awaiting an inventory). Can you please quote
>>>me?
>>>
>>>Thanks,
>>>
>>>Me
>>
>>Me,
>>
>>Which AVG product are they interested in moving to?
>>
>>Sales Guy
>Me,
>  To VIPRE from AVG.

Sales guy,

Here’s your quote.

<Attachment for 5-user license of VIPRE antivirus.>

Tech: I need an APC UPS with enough plugs to handle 8 devices and a network card for remote shutdown. I’m looking at these units, but need help making sure they meet my requirements.

Sales engineer: Those units do not have enough plugs.

Tech: Is a power distribution unit an option?

Sales engineer: You mean with the units you mentioned?

Tech: No, with a Volkswagen Beetle.