I can haz stupid?!

Me: I have 487 networks defined in my environment. Entering each one manually via the web interface will take prohibitively long. Is there an option to import them from a CSV file?

Support: If you provide us with a CSV file, we can import it for you.

Me: Here you go!

Support: You have both internal and external networks in this file. Did you mean to do that?

Me: Maybe not. We use public IPs for our “internal” networks. How should we do this?

Support: Public IPs should be added as Networks, and RFC1918 networks should be added as Internal Networks.

Me: Okay, so can you work with the file I supplied?

Support: You need to add the public IPs as Networks. For internal network, you should be able to import a CSV file.

Me: The original email I got said Support would do the import for me, implying I could not do so myself. If I can, I do not know how to do this. If I cannot, can you please do this for me?

Support: …

Me: I figured out how to do this with your API. You can close this request.

Me: Check out icanhazstupid.com

Coworker: File | Save to Favorites…

While reviewing a list of systems vulnerable to a recent security vulnerability, we noticed this one on the list. The ramifications are left as an exercise to the reader.

Client: We are being audited by the IRS and they want backups of our accounting package from 2016 and 2017. Does our backup service include this?

Me: The el cheapo package you purchased goes back 3 whopping months. But I’ll log on to your system and see what I can find.

Me: I compiled all of the files I found into a folder and left it open on your desktop. [not shown: list of accounting backups, including name and date, spanning various months between 2016-2017]

Client: This is the file I copied to a thumb drive to give to the IRS. [attached photo taken of computer screen showing a single archive file with a date of October, 2018]

NOTE: Top-posting email format (thanks, Microsoft) preserved for stupidity.

From: You<[email protected]> 
Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2019 12:19 PM
To: Me <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: What is this?

Me,

That would be great except I don’t seem to have a magnifying glass L

From: Me <[email protected]> 
Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2019 12:13 PM
To: You<[email protected]>
Subject: RE: What is this?

Just click the magnifying glass in the search box. In the new interface:

or in the classic interface:

From: You<[email protected]> 
Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2019 12:06 PM
To: Me <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: What is this?

And where could I see a list of servers that I have access to?

From: Me <[email protected]> 
Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2019 12:04 PM
To: You<[email protected]>
Subject: RE: What is this?

That’s where you put the name of the computer to which you want to connect.

From: You<[email protected]> 
Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2019 12:02 PM
To: Me <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: What is this?

Actually, I asked Chad and he did not know either.  I want to know what to enter in the last field?

From: Me <[email protected]> 
Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2019 11:58 AM
To: You<[email protected]>
Subject: RE: What is this?

Hi YOU,

Looks pretty self-explanatory to me. What, specifically, are you asking about?

Me

From: You<[email protected]> 
Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2019 11:55 AM
To: Me <[email protected]>
Subject: What is this?

Me: Specific Windows Admin, we are testing New Web Protection Product. Please make a Current Endpoint Protection Product policy that doesn’t include web filtering, and apply it to these workstations:

• Workstation 1
• Workstation 2
• Workstation 3

Specific Windows Admin: …

Me: Windows Admin on Call, , we are testing New Web Protection Product. Please make a Current Endpoint Protection Product policy that doesn’t include web filtering, and apply it to these workstations:

• Workstation 1
• Workstation 2
• Workstation 3

Windows Admin On Call: You can open a ticket with User Support for this.

Me: User Support, Windows Admin On Call says you can do this, but I am skeptical. We are testing New Web Protection Product. Please make a Current Endpoint Protection Product policy that doesn’t include web filtering, and apply it to these workstations:

• Workstation 1
• Workstation 2
• Workstation 3

User Support Tech: Uhh… no. We can just remove Current Endpoint Protection Product.

Me: Windows Admin on Call, User Support cannot do this.

Different Windows Admin: I hear you want to remove Endpoint Protection Product from a couple machines.

Me: NO I AM NOT TRYING TO REMOVE ENDPOINT PROTECTION PRODUCT! I JUST WANT A SIMPLE POLICY CHANGE IN CURRENT ENDPOINT PROTECTION PRODUCT FOR A FEW SYSTEMS THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE WEB FILTERING!

Vendor: I’ll be in the City Area next week, and would love to meet to discuss blah blah.

Me: Sure. I work from home in the City Area and will NOT be at My Employer that day.

Vendor : Please confirm the following address: <_inserts address of a Completely Unrelated Business in City area_>

Me: That’s Completely Unrelated Business…

Vendor : Sorry, still waiting for the coffee to kick in. How about this….

<_inserts address of My Employer _>

Me: You need more coffee.

7:53 pm Barry: Hello Me, good day!

7:53 pm Me: Hello! My customer owns the domain example.com, which was set up in Office 365. However, she does not know her _________.onmicrosoft.com tenant ID.

7:55 pm Barry: Is this for a customer?

7:55 pm Me: …

Project Manager: I’m checking on the status of this request. <includes a graphical screenshot of an email thread in which a request for system access is made, discussion is had around the request, and a mention of difficulty getting access to the system is also made.>

Me: What exactly are you asking: if access was granted to this system, or if the trouble connecting which was reported was resolved?

PM: I am checking on the status of the request.

Me: I still don’t know what you’re asking. If you’re asking if access was provisioned, it was, over six months ago. If you’re asking about the difficulty connecting, I know nothing of that.

PM: thank you

Me: Hi Specialist,

Your name was listed as a contact for a remote access request that just came to me. However, there was no contact information for the Company person who owns the system to which access was requested. Do you know anything about this request, and can you point me to whomever may have made it?

Thanks,

Me

Specialist: Some Guy is I believe our point of contact at Company. If I can help at all let me know!

Me: Thank you, Specialist. Can you tell me if you are part of a division of BigCompany (e.g., their Health Engineers), or considered just “BigCompany?”

Thanks,

Me

Specialist: I am a System Specialist II

Me: … of course you are.