Client: New laptop – Needs the Product Key to activate Microsoft Office.
Tech: When you are prompted to activate MS Outlook, please use this product key and let us know if it doesn’t work.
XXXXX-XXXXX-XXXXX-XXXXX-XXXXX
Client: I’ve never been asked for a product key. It’s actually asking to “change the product key.”
Tech: That’s the computer asking you for the product key…
Payroll processor: We cannot accept your direct deposit information in an email for compliance reasons.
Me: So what do we need?
Payroll processor: You need to send us a report from your accounting program that includes the info.
Me: There is no such report. Can I send you a screenshot of the information?
Payroll processor: If the employees’ names are on the screenshot, that might work.
Me: <Thinks about a) how easy it is to generate a screenshot and b) what stupid regulation we could possibly be complying with by sending payroll info “in a screenshot” but “not in an email.”>
Client: I need administrative rights to install software.
Operator: A tech is not presently available, but I will have them call you back.
<Time passes…>
Client: You can install the software today at noon.
Tech: I will remotely connect to the system at that time. Thanks!
<Client takes installation disc out of computer and puts it on the shelf to keep it safe. Disc drive is used for nothing besides installing this stupid software.>
Tech: So… where’s this disc I’m supposed to install the program from?
A user received an email, allegedly from the Federal Treasury. Despite attending security awareness training, whereby she was instructed to never open attachments that were not expected, the user
infecting her PC with the Phoenix Exploit Kit.
The user works at a bank where she’s in charge of things like ACH transfers. Stupid.
>>> Subject: VIPRE quote (from AVG)
>>>
>>>Hi Sales Guy,
>>>
>>>One of my customers is interested in moving away from AVG. They have somewhere
>>>between 30-40 workstations and servers (awaiting an inventory). Can you please quote
>>>me?
>>>
>>>Thanks,
>>>
>>>Me
>>
>>Me,
>>
>>Which AVG product are they interested in moving to?
>>
>>Sales Guy
>Me,
> To VIPRE from AVG.
Sales guy,
Here’s your quote.
<Attachment for 5-user license of VIPRE antivirus.>
Tech: I need an APC UPS with enough plugs to handle 8 devices and a network card for remote shutdown. I’m looking at these units, but need help making sure they meet my requirements.
Sales engineer: Those units do not have enough plugs.
Tech: Is a power distribution unit an option?
Sales engineer: You mean with the units you mentioned?
Tech: No, with a Volkswagen Beetle.
Tech: “Your computer apparently is infected with a new form of malware (virus or spyware).
Client: “Why would anyone want my computer?”
Tech: “You work in a bank.”
Q: How do you export your Outlook data from Outlook 2010?
A: Simple! Click File, Open, Import…
Q: Wait… I’m trying to export data, not import it.
A: I know! Just click File, Open, Import, Export data to a file.
Q: How did you achieve #1 market share in software again?
Client: “I haven’t been able to access the database for a while.”
Tech: “How long”
Client: “Since last fall.”
Tech: “…”
What they wrote:
Yesterday afternoon (Pacific time), our data center provider (<datacenter name>) was performing some upgrades to their UPS devices. We are still gathering details, but power to the data centre was lost and our equipment there was interrupted. While our servers have dual power supplies, the power outage affected both circuits.
What we read:
Yesterday afternoon (Pacific time <as if that matters>), our data center provider (<name inserted here in an attempt to deflect attention from us>) was performing some upgrades to their UPS devices and some moron dropped a UPS on our SAN and took out our whole operation.